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December 6, 2011
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in that one moment, i wanted to stand up and hit him: i wanted to make him hurt, make him bleed, make him feel what he did to me. make him feel his lies and deceit, push it into his skin like a knife and letting the scarlet lies pour out for everyone to see.

every little lie, every "mia bella" came back to haunt me. every word that idly dripped out of his mouth that caressed and cared for me turned black and shriveled like a dead flower.

because every time he kissed me, he lied.

i can't believe i just let him string me along like that. he just turned me into some sort of flesh-and-blood puppet, tossed me around and stepped on me like garbage put on the curb for tuesday night pickup. he put me in a plastic bag with old coffee grounds and used condoms from a night when i wasn't there.

i should have never loved him.
he cheated, broke my heart, and laughed.

critique questions:

:bulletblue:from reading the entirety of the piece, is it clear what he did? that he cheated? should i refer more to it?
:bulletblue:does it feel like there needs to be more between the last stanza and the last line? does it feel like it doesn't flow quite right?
:bulletblue: and any other critique points that you might have are graciously welcomed.
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:iconhyeliza:
hyeliza Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012
i keep rereading this one. this recently happened to me and truthfully it's just disgusting how a person can be so cruel to another. i loved the way you wrote it especially "every little lie, every "mia bella" came back to haunt me. every word that idly dripped out of his mouth that caressed and cared for me turned black and shriveled like a dead flower."
it's like he whispered sweet nothings into my ear and got his way. pretty fucking pissed.
sorry, i felt like i needed to rant.
anyway thank you for writing this, even the most ugliest things in life can be portrayed beautifully and you've done that :]
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Writer
i'm sorry that it happened to you :( seeing as how i wrote this, it happened to me a few months ago as well. it's horrible how poorly men treat women these days; this happens to far too many people.

thank you very much!
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:iconhyeliza:
hyeliza Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
yea, no one has the right to do that to anyone. honestly, rather break up instead of cheat. more respectful, more honest. ya know?

i feel humanity, especially this generation has gone on a downhill. but i have hope things may change with people like you and others :]
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Writer
exactly. i would much rather be broken up with instead of having my heart shattered with no forewarning.

if people open their eyes and see how they impact others, everyone could be like us. i personally hate hurting people, so that's my own reason for not being a cheater. everyone's got their reason that they need to find, some have discovered it already and some haven't.
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:iconhyeliza:
hyeliza Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
exactly! it's all about opening your eyes to people around you instead of being selfish for what you desire. and i'm the exact same, i hate hurting people. if you respect me i will treat you with the same respect. even after someone wrongs me, if i stoop to their level by hurting them i'll feel like i'm no better than them. i just find it so unnecessary to hurt someone, i really don't understand how people thrive off of that feeling.one thing that i do believe is in karma - it's like the universal dna keeping all things in balance. i know that people who wrong others will get their punishment(sooner or later) from life.
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:iconk-a-varley:
K-A-Varley Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
:wow:
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Student Writer
><
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:iconk-a-varley:
K-A-Varley Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
It bugs me knowing that so many women are treated this way :(
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Student Writer
me too. a few days after it happened to me, i found out the same thing happened to my good friend at about the same time. and another friend who lives in a different state a few weeks later. have some men just stopped caring?
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:iconk-a-varley:
K-A-Varley Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
I know I haven't... but it does look that way even from my perspective too. As a man you'd think I'd stand up for the men. NO! There are a few of us who do in fact genuinely care for the fairer sex. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing alone in this world! But I know that somewhere on this planet I'm not the only man who feels the same way.
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