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in that one moment, i wanted to stand up and hit him: i wanted to make him hurt, make him bleed, make him feel what he did to me. make him feel his lies and deceit, push it into his skin like a knife and letting the scarlet lies pour out for everyone to see.

every little lie, every "mia bella" came back to haunt me. every word that idly dripped out of his mouth that caressed and cared for me turned black and shriveled like a dead flower.

because every time he kissed me, he lied.

i can't believe i just let him string me along like that. he just turned me into some sort of flesh-and-blood puppet, tossed me around and stepped on me like garbage put on the curb for tuesday night pickup. he put me in a plastic bag with old coffee grounds and used condoms from a night when i wasn't there.

i should have never loved him.
he cheated, broke my heart, and laughed.

critique questions:

:bulletblue:from reading the entirety of the piece, is it clear what he did? that he cheated? should i refer more to it?
:bulletblue:does it feel like there needs to be more between the last stanza and the last line? does it feel like it doesn't flow quite right?
:bulletblue: and any other critique points that you might have are graciously welcomed.
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:iconhyeliza:
hyeliza Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012
i keep rereading this one. this recently happened to me and truthfully it's just disgusting how a person can be so cruel to another. i loved the way you wrote it especially "every little lie, every "mia bella" came back to haunt me. every word that idly dripped out of his mouth that caressed and cared for me turned black and shriveled like a dead flower."
it's like he whispered sweet nothings into my ear and got his way. pretty fucking pissed.
sorry, i felt like i needed to rant.
anyway thank you for writing this, even the most ugliest things in life can be portrayed beautifully and you've done that :]
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Writer
i'm sorry that it happened to you :( seeing as how i wrote this, it happened to me a few months ago as well. it's horrible how poorly men treat women these days; this happens to far too many people.

thank you very much!
Reply
:iconhyeliza:
hyeliza Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
yea, no one has the right to do that to anyone. honestly, rather break up instead of cheat. more respectful, more honest. ya know?

i feel humanity, especially this generation has gone on a downhill. but i have hope things may change with people like you and others :]
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Writer
exactly. i would much rather be broken up with instead of having my heart shattered with no forewarning.

if people open their eyes and see how they impact others, everyone could be like us. i personally hate hurting people, so that's my own reason for not being a cheater. everyone's got their reason that they need to find, some have discovered it already and some haven't.
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:iconhyeliza:
hyeliza Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
exactly! it's all about opening your eyes to people around you instead of being selfish for what you desire. and i'm the exact same, i hate hurting people. if you respect me i will treat you with the same respect. even after someone wrongs me, if i stoop to their level by hurting them i'll feel like i'm no better than them. i just find it so unnecessary to hurt someone, i really don't understand how people thrive off of that feeling.one thing that i do believe is in karma - it's like the universal dna keeping all things in balance. i know that people who wrong others will get their punishment(sooner or later) from life.
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:iconk-a-varley:
K-A-Varley Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
:wow:
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Student Writer
><
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:iconk-a-varley:
K-A-Varley Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
It bugs me knowing that so many women are treated this way :(
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Student Writer
me too. a few days after it happened to me, i found out the same thing happened to my good friend at about the same time. and another friend who lives in a different state a few weeks later. have some men just stopped caring?
Reply
:iconk-a-varley:
K-A-Varley Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
I know I haven't... but it does look that way even from my perspective too. As a man you'd think I'd stand up for the men. NO! There are a few of us who do in fact genuinely care for the fairer sex. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing alone in this world! But I know that somewhere on this planet I'm not the only man who feels the same way.
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Student Writer
i wish there were more guys like you around. the world needs more good people.
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:iconk-a-varley:
K-A-Varley Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Professional Photographer
Unfortunately for men like me, we have been pushed into the stereotype of being users/abusers. Just because we're men. We're the ones who are trying our hardest to prove that not all men are the same. I hope (if you've not already found him) find the man who shall treat you with the respect that you deserve :)
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Student Writer
i can say that even though i have been wronged, i haven't lost complete faith in the male gender. i can clearly see that there are responsible men such as yourself out there, and i hope to find one who's right for me and who won't fit the user/abuser stereotype.
thanks! :)
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconsmurfboy21:
smurfboy21 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011
A great piece. The only sentence that directly says he cheated is the second to last. The rest shows that he hurt you, messed up, mistreated you, or took advantage of you. I really prefer that though. It lets more people relate to this piece. Great job. If you want to make it more about him cheating on you instead of him not deserving your love go for it, but this seems written in a perfect way to get the point, "i should have never loved him", across.
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011  Student Writer
thank you very much!
Reply
:iconsunaandkyanna:
SunaAndKyanna Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
wow! powerful words and a nice voice. :)))) i like your imagery and the vigor in which your express your spite :D hell, i don't even mind that i have no idea who the narrator and alleged antagonist is; it's just wonderful. XD : )
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Student Writer
xD thanks!
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:iconsunaandkyanna:
SunaAndKyanna Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
np :)
Reply
:iconsijira94:
sijira94 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011
This is great! I mean Ive never felt like this a nd I think you did a good job showing the others (like me) how it feels. Great job(:
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Student Writer
thank you so much!
Reply
:iconannabanana9198:
annabanana9198 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
this is amazingly good though.
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
thanks :)
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:iconannabanana9198:
annabanana9198 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
youre welcome (:
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:iconannabanana9198:
annabanana9198 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:'c .. ?
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
yeah, he stomped on my heart. i'm getting better, though. this was a really good vent for all of my anger toward him. i had a lot more to it, but it didn't sound quite right so i deleted it.
Reply
:iconannabanana9198:
annabanana9198 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
that sucks. and i'm glad you're getting better. and remember i'm here for you if you need to rant. c:
Reply
:iconcookiemonster32q:
cookiemonster32q Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011
wow this is fantastic, i can feel it and i really conenct. like wow. this is very very good :o
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
thanks! hey, you. yeah, you. chat me sometime. facebook, aim, something. <3
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:iconcookiemonster32q:
cookiemonster32q Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2011
yes yes yes yes yes im sorry :c im always so busy :C i miss you though :c
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2011  Student Writer
i miss you too ;n; <3
Reply
:iconcookiemonster32q:
cookiemonster32q Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012
<3333 :'(
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:iconsoysoy-tan:
SoySoy-tan Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
...you okay???
D:
IT'S QUITE CLEAR, BTW.
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
not really. well.. nyeh.. i'm totally over the douchebag, i have no desire to be with him or to see him ever again (which is bad, because i see him every day) and i'm not sad or heartbroken anymore.. i'm just angry.. i'm really fucking angry.. note me or skype me or something if you want to know the details.. ><
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:iconbelligerentmoxie:
belligerentmoxie Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student General Artist
Yes, it's pretty clear. Not crystal clear, per se, but the ambiguity adds a nice touch.
No, I think it's pretty effective. I like the "sharpness" of it-it feels like a conversation.
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
thanks :)
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:iconbelligerentmoxie:
belligerentmoxie Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student General Artist
no prob <3
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:iconms-junesummers:
Ms-JuneSummers Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
I think it would be better if you would address the 2nd person throughout. As it stands, you start out talking about "him" and then it's "you." My advice would be to pick either and keep it consistent.

Other than that, the emotions were very clear and well-described. Well done!
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
thank you, i'll keep that in mind! :)
Reply
:iconcee69:
cee69 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
I cannot give you an actual critique but to answer your questions:
I read in other comments you don't use capitals since you don't like them but by not doing that you also ignore language/grammar rules. I don't know how it is where you go/went to school, but I got a lower grade if I didn't use the capital I for referring to "me"
To me, not using capitals seems lazy.

"push it into his skin like a knife" <-- push what into his skin?

it is clear that he cheated, but once you actual say that with "you put me in a plastic bag with old coffee grounds and used condoms from a night when i wasn't there." I get the feeling you were done with it and just wanted to end the story. In other words: it could have used another paragraph, least 1 line more, just to get the abrupt ending away.

~cee
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:iconemilykthompson:
emilykthompson Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011  Student Writer
I'm here for you Sydney, just like you were there when I was heartbroken over Wes. Guys are assholes. Too bad us girls never seem to learn. I love you hun. Do I need to come down there and sing Never Gonna Give You Up to cheer you up? Cause I'll steal my sister's car for the weekend and do it (:
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
yes, yes i do. come down here. i miss you. :heart:
Reply
:iconemilykthompson:
emilykthompson Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
I miss you too <3
Reply
:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
if i get ungrounded sometime soon (which is possible if i do well on exams next week) then maybe we can see each other sometime in january or something :) just see when our next long weekend is and I WANNA SEE YOU GRRRRRRALEKRJALSKDJCMSNDFWISODLJQWLA
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:iconemilykthompson:
emilykthompson Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
I wanna see you too!! Do well on those exams missy... (:
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
xD i'll try my best :) i think i'm gonna do pretty well
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:iconemilykthompson:
emilykthompson Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
Good (: I have a benchmark tomorrow :/ I'm not excited for it at all, it's on WWII xD I almost put three i's. I invented a new war :P
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:iconladywiththehorses:
LadyWithTheHorses Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Oh my God. This is exactly how I feel. I wish I could have expressed it so beautifully.
Mine was the only person I ever wanted to hurt in my life. I have never wanted so specifically to bash someone's head into a concrete sidewalk.
I shouldn't have loved him either. He didn't deserve it. And yours did not deserve you, it seems. I wish I could happily suggest to you to do what I have chosen to do, but I don't think the ability to choose is universal.
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:iconsnow-angels:
snow-angels Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Writer
as a writer, the thing i want most is for people to be able to relate to my pieces and have how i feel convey to how you feel or have felt. from this, we'll both be stronger. we know that they don't deserve us, and we're too good for them.
you know what? we never should have loved them, but we did. forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you.
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:iconladywiththehorses:
LadyWithTheHorses Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Exactly. :hug:
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